I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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