Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
