everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
