I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
