i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
