My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
