After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
