just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
