i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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