I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
