we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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