I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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