If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
