Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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