JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
