I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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