one might say we're banned from that church
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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