Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
