quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
