just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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