Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
