Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just pee around me
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
