Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
