Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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