How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
