I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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