so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Never let your siblings swipe right.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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