Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
