I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
