Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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