i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
