last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
