I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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