Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
