Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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