she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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