i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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