think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
