Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
