I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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