im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
