I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
