i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
