I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
