Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You brought string cheese to the strip club
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
