So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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