why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
