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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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