Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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