Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
