Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
