Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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