I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
