nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
