Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
