If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I AM VODKA MAN
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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